I didn’t think I’d be delivering news like this until April 1, but alas, here I am. You saw the headline, so you already know what I’m about to say: Oscar Mayer — yes, the company that makes deli meats and travels the country in a hot-dog-shaped bus — has launched its very own sheet mask… a sheet mask designed to look like bologna. No, it’s not a prank. In fact, it’s a legitimate sheet mask. I have so many questions.
You can find Oscar Mayer’s hydrogel creation on Amazon, where it debuted on January 19. It’s described by the brand as follows: “Our bologna has a nickname and it’s B-E-A-U-T-Y. No, this sheet mask is not real bologna. Put it on your face, not your sandwich. Treat yo’self. Meat yo’self. Or better yet, give the gift of bologna bliss to others. Nothing says “I love you” like a slice of self-care. Remember: You can’t spell delightful without deli.”
I am simply astonished. Who’s idea was this? Was there a very important deli meats board meeting where executives were seriously discussing the logistics of making a meat-themed sheet mask? What’s the target market here? Did they call up a cosmetic chemist or a dermatologist to ask, quite literally, “Hey, what should we put in this fake piece of bologna that people will put on their face?”
The answer to that question, by the way, is surprisingly familiar to people who know anything about skin-care ingredients; the mask is infused with witch hazel, an astringent that eliminates excess oil, and “seaweed-derived ingredients.” Not sure what those ingredients are exactly, but I can tell you that seaweed is anti-inflammatory and is great for soothing sensitive skin (it’s a Kim Kardashian-approved treatment for psoriasis).
Not sure what the big minds over at Oscar Mayer are trying to achieve here with this meat mask, but I’ll give it this: it’s a conversation starter. Not only that but it does actually contain skin-friendly ingredients — so there’s no harm in buying a couple if you wanted to give it a whirl for shits and giggles (and I will always endorse trying things just for The Bit).
There’s one big catch, though: the damn thing is already sold out, and no one knows if it’ll be restocked any time soon. You can find the item listing here if you want to add it to your wishlist and keep an eye on its availability.
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Now, some less confusing beauty launches: